


Lasting Impressions

by CandyCrackpot



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Drabble Collection, F/M, Loosely connected, Lou FAllen Week, Lou FAllen Week 2018, Others Mentioned - Freeform, Romance, but not in the focus, or popping up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-19
Updated: 2018-08-16
Packaged: 2019-04-04 18:48:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14026464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CandyCrackpot/pseuds/CandyCrackpot
Summary: With Allen under close watch, they can barely interact heart to heart - but there are lots of unspoken words and feelings hovering between them





	1. Longing

**Author's Note:**

> This is going to be a cute drabble collection that’s lightly connected, because those are easier to work with for me.
> 
> *Riza is a character of the first volume of the Reverse Novel, The Travelling Clergyman

 

Ever since she laid eyes on him, this yearning burned itself into her soul. 

He was completely unlike the mental image she had for Exorcists. In her mind, they were all powerful, strinct and even bleak adults, who demanded respect for being God’s Apostles, for fighting in his name. She would be alright with that, people who lay down their lives for humanity deserve respect - as long as they didn’t abuse the power that came with their position. Exorcists sounded a bit intimidated, but unable to help her curious nature, she wanted to meet them, she wanted to know what made them different from her.

She was absolutely shocked to meet a boy younger than her. He was all beat up and bruised - and yet his smile radiated warmer than any summer sun. His pure heart immediately captivated her. He was polite and incredibly kind despite the massive difference in their positions. Also, lost, desperate and reckless, as he turned back for a comrade to go against an opponent he could never hope to defeat. Whether it was , survivor’s guilt, madness or insane devotion, she would never know. Grief ruined people.

But she did understand. Losing loved ones who sacrifice themselves for you was though. Having her beloved mother crumble to dust atop her in order to protect her way heart wrecking. She would never recover from it. Her mother most likely would have wanted her to live, survive, go to a secluded place where she didn’t have to worry about Akuma killing her. As grateful and guilty she was though, that was the one thing she could not abide that wish. She didn’t want to hide her entire life, crying about her losses as she did nothing, wondering when her turn was coming. 

She wanted to know why this was happening. Why the Noah and Innocence existed. Why people had to die and turned into monsters. She didn’t want to die without knowing a thing. And even if she had to die, then she wanted it to have a meaning at least. If she could be useful as a Scientist, sacrificing her own personal desires to achieve that, that was more than enough.

That’s why...

_ I’m no longer human any more! I’m an Exorcist! _

She understood. 

It was ironic in a way though. She came here with the determination ready to die and mourn fallen comrades, and yet here she was falling for an Exorcist. 

How silly of her.

Yet how very like her. 

As sad it was, in a way it was comforting to know that there was someone out there with the same mindset. Most people wanted revenge for their lost loved ones or they merely wanted to ensure their survival within the relative safety of the Order, without particularly caring about the reasons. Perhaps that’s why she found herself missing his company? After all, he was so nice to her; he clearly didn’t see her superior intellect as some sort of offence against him - which happened in the outside, but despite the supposed gender neutrality in this military it still happened pretty often. 

She was almost like the protagonist of a clichéd romance novel she sometimes liked to indulge herself with, the likes her mother used to tell her when she was a child. She wondered where her story would lead

* * *

It was unlike him to daydream much, it brought back bittersweet memories or dark thoughts about the what ifs. He much preferred to keep his hands full, helping someone in the process, root himself in the present and not wallow over the past.

And yet he found his mind sometimes wonder back to that petite scientist girl. It was hard to forget her when she was as generous as to send him delicious food and care about him. At first it really seemed like she had just a teeny crush - it left him puzzled as he didn’t particularly have a positive image of himself, even if Riza* and the girls in the brothels said he was cute or pretty - but she quickly proved that while her feelings alit sudden, they weren’t fickle enough to extinguish, even in the face of death.

Even as his connection to the 14th came to light, her attitude towards him didn’t change. He was grateful for that, the trust and loyalty. After the realisation that the most important people in his life - including Mana, Cross, Timcanpy - might have never loved him and just used him, coupled with the lately jumpy and avoidant behaviour of his comrades left his just-recovering ego shatter again. He got it, he really did, but still… It was nice to know she didn’t jump into conclusions. It left him warm that she still sought him out and greeted him with a warm smile.

For some reason, he really couldn't shake off the lingering impression that he wanted to see her again.

 


	2. Hope

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for potential mistakes, I uploaded from mobile.
> 
> Thank you for SweetiePiez and Dortaku for their comments, they really made me happy ^^

It was all lies.

His words, his smile, his current self that walked among the people of the Order, the world. They didn’t see the carefully laid fortress of sweet deception he has pulled around himself, he didn’t see his true, pitiful, vulnerable self. 

It was so relieving.

And heartbreaking.

It was something that was needed to be done. He can never let them know how weak he can be; not if he wanted to remain the reliable and supportive comrade who could shoulder their sorrow.

He was glad that he could mostly sell his lies, there were very few people who had a clue.

_ She  _ was one of them. Much to his  relief  shame, she had seen him the way he really was. A mess. A failure. Just a pathetic brat trying to deceive the world that he was worth something. 

It must have been a spectacularly disgraceful sight to see him fall apart like that, sobbing so desperately not to have another person he loved die for him. He expected her to look st him like a traitor of her trust, to hate him.

She did none of that. In fact, she still greeted him with the same degree of enthusiasm and warm smile. Despite his obvious lackings, she still viewed him as a whole, as worthy of her trust.

As silly as it may have been, her acceptance of his  hideous  flaws filled him with hope.

* * *

She had long given up on the hope of a happy ending. No walks in the park, by the beach, holding hands or exchange shy but oh so conveying kisses. That was fine. She could pursue those harmless fantasies in the borders of those yellowed written pages.

She had no delusions of settling down and having children, not in such a hellish world where loving someone enough to call them back among the living was a sin. She didn’t want to leave anyone behind to miss her. She didn’t want to leave anyone behind to struggle to make ends meet and just pointlessly die in a siege.

These images were far from those idealised stories of her books, but they made a lot more sense. The world is cruel, she didn’t expect a nice end or any satisfying meaning to her life.

And yet. Just looking at him was enough. Even in midst of danger, she was not afraid. That smile full of warmth filled her with optimism; she couldn’d distance that upbeat feeling thrumming in her veins. A power that suggested that she’d follow him to the end.

* * *

After a mission gone bad, he was hospitalised in the Asia Branch along with his colleagues, as HQ had their hands full. She took the rare chance to visit him.

A stern looking, handsome blond young man was sitting by his bed, peeling apples.

“Miss Lou Fa!” the young Brit addressed her, surprised to see her there. Again, he was bruised and beaten up, but he still looked so radiant.

“Hello, Mister Walker,” she greeted, holding up a carefully wrapped lunch box. “I heard you’ve been kept here by the Branch Chief so I brought you some dango.”

Silver irises twinkled as he extended his bandaged arms. “Thank you! Please, have a seat.”

Link slowed his peeling, a slender eyebrow discreetly raising. 

Allen placed the box in his lap, but had difficulty with his motor skills. Link sighed, setting the apple aside, but the scientist girl beat to him.

“Oh of course, that new form of your Innocence is hard to use for such tasks right? My apologies, I didn’t take that into consideration,” she said as she undid the knot holding the whole thing together. 

“No, it’s alright,” Allen reassured her, flashing her a tired smile. “Thank you.”

They perked up when something wet landed on the tiles. “Oh my, I dropped it,” Link said as he took the dropped apple. “I need to throw this away and get another one.”

“You took it up in 5 seconds, you can give it to me.”

Maroon eyes flashed at him. “Absolutely not,” Link spat.

Allen grabbed a hold of his sheet, pushing them away, horrified at the prospect that the apple would be uneaten. “But-!”

“The Inspector is right, Mister Walker,” Lou Fa said, putting a hand on his ones. “This is the Infirmary, eating off the floor can be- no it’s 99% surely lethal.”

“So you say there’s-”

“Mister Walker, I’m as sure that eating that will cause you harm with the same certainty, that  if I walked off the roof, I would be unable to fly.”

Link sighed relieved to Allen deflate. “I’ll be returning shortly,” he promised, excusing himself.

The door closed shut with a silent click and Allen sighed. “Really, is he looking for trouble, leaving his charge alone like this? If I tried to make a run for it now...”

Lou Fa let out a laugh. “I think it’s because he trusts you not to leave the dango unattended.”  _ He trusts you. He cares. _

“Speaking of dango,” Allen said, taking out one stick, “I am fully intent on burying my sorrow over losing that apple with this meal.”

The girl giggled. “Of course, go ahead and dig in.”

It was fascinating how he ate all those dumplings at such speed - and so messy. Eyes alight, he extended the box towards her. “Here, you take some as well.”

“Ah thank you,” she said, pinchin a single stick.

“Only one? Have some more, you don’t have to hold back because of me,” Allen insisted.

Lou Fa flashed him an embarrassed smile. “Actually as much as I like Mitarashi, I simply cannot eat more than one at a time. It’s just too sweet.”

Allen blinked owlishly at her. “Really?”

“Yes, I think you’re the only person who can eat unlimited amount.”

“Ah.” Lou Fa sombered seeing Allen cast his eyes down.

“Did I say something wrong?”

Allen shook his head with a wry smile on his lips. “No just… I tend to forget that… I’m different from most humans. Normal people would probably feel sick if they ate so much. And they don’t eat this messy.”

_ I am no longer human. _

Once she was done here, she would go and have Fou punish the Chief. 

As for now, Lou Fa produced a handkerchief from her pocket. Allen tensed up, eyes snapping onto Lou Fa as she started patting away the sticky sauce from his lips. “You might think so, but I think your enthusiasm for meals is very human. From all the Exorcist personnel I met, you are the easiest to connect with. I think that’s why you’re so popular.” Even despite this whole mess you got dragged into. Despite her hammering heart she made sure to keep eye contact with those awestruck expression. The words were getting more and more difficult to form, but Lou Fa didn’t stop until she conveyed all of them. He needed to hear this. “I… I think the fact that you are so humane is why people love you. You… You don’t feel so out of reach. You really feel like one of us. Watching you fight and protect people despote with your flaws… gives me hope… strength to fight in my own way.”

She casted her eyes down, no longer able to look him in the eye when he looked at her with such light in his eyes. She gasped softly when Allen twisted his hand to hold hers and gave a gentle squeeze. When she shyly looked up she was met with the warmest smile she had seen ever.

“Thank you, Miss Lou Fa.”

As much of a fragile hope it was, they both wished they could have more secret little moments like this.


	3. Acceptance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the kudos and special thanks to SweetiePiez and Dortaku, you two are adorable, thank you for your support!

As a scientist, Lou Fa has always been fascinated by the unknown, as much as she felt uneasy of the underlying potential danger, she couldn’t deny her curious nature that demanded she looked close and understood. 

Innocence was no different. The mysterious relic was both frightening and comforting, as it was a ray of hope for victory within this dark war. Nonetheless, she did not let herself be taken in by the saccharine sweet blinding light and overlook its shadows. For such a great power, there is always an equally great sacrifice.

Parasitic types who could access the full potential of Innocence and had no medium, instead they hosted the Innocence within their flesh. And mere human vessels could not stand the Innocence for too long. Which is why these Exorcists had to be monitored closer and were required to do monthly checkups to make sure their body did not deteriorate. Their entire body was to be inspected to make sure it functioned properly.

She skimmed her eyes over the results, pleased with the image they gave. “Your organs are thankfully healthy; blood pressure, blood sugar and hormones are in within normal levels. Though please have more plants in your diet.”

Allen huffed, actively ignoring Link’s ‘I told you so’ expression.

Lou Fa continued. “Your endurance test are outstanding; it seems you have developed greater muscle mass and you are able to lift heavier weights each time. That’s all great but please make sure not to overdo it. And now, we’re going to test your motor skills.” 

She set her clip down, taking out different items, spreading them out in front of Allen. He took up the pieces and did his best to piece together the puzzles and carry out other precision requiring tasks, as much as his stiff joints let him.

“Hmmm, it seems that you lost some of your flexibility in that arm in exchange of its destructive power.” Indeed that arm deactivated was strong enough to punch through walls. “Good thing you use your right hand to write.”

Allen huffed. “Yeah, but it is much harder to play a game of cards."

Lou Fa was puzzled to see the expression of Inspector behind Allen darken into something positively ill-struck but decided not to question it. “Well, keep doing those arm muscle stretches, that will help loosening up a bit.” With a nod to herself, she set aside the documents.

“Now for the last inspection,” she swallowed the lump she felt in her throat, fighting down her blush.  _ This is a strictly medical procedure, _ she reminded herself,  _ stay professional _ . “I need you to remove your shirt so I can check the fusion of your flesh and your weapon.”

Allen hesitantly nodded, reaching for his buttons, undoing them slowly, one by one. There was a faint flush on his cheeks, but from his eyes, Lou Fa could tell it was not embarrassment. It was nervousness and shame.

His shirt parted to reveal his naked skin; he completely took the item off, setting it on the bed beside him. She had to say, he truly was a work of art. Those refined muscles and his build was exactly that of those idolized men in literature. But she pushed those thoughts aside and viewed him with a critical eye. 

“It looks a lot better than the first time I saw it.” Or there lackof. His arm was technically missing, crushed to powder that gravitated around him; the tiny stub that was left was a jagged grey mess of dead cells. “Though it seems there  _ is _ a minor irritation at these tattoo like patterns.”

“Yes.” Allen confirmed raising his right band to trace the place where human and God met. “I feel my skin is dryer there. Metallic. I apologize, it’s not… exactly pretty sight.”

“You don’t have to,” Lou Fa hastily replied. “You cannot help it, it's just the way you are. Besides, I am not concerned about such cosmetic aspects;”  _ You’re worth so much than you think you do, than you realise-  _ “as your comrade, I’m merely concerned about your wellbeing, that’s all.”  _ Because I love and care about you.  _ She wanted to say that out loud, scream, whisper or sensually breathe into his ears; she knew she must not. Central was nitpicking for any weakness to get a hold over Allen; she couldn’t hand herself over as a tool for their schemes to further strangle, use and manipulate him.

“Thankfully it does not seem to be inflamed” she said instead. “That is all I wanted to know. As long as you’re healthy, there is no problem.”

There was an honest, innocent surprise reflecting in his silver pools; he clearly did not expect such nonchalant acceptance of his insecurity, no conditions or questiones asked. It did not take a genius to figure out its origin. In some rural parts of Europe, people were still convicted in witch hunts. With a ‘devilish’arm like that, he was the perfect target of such mass hysterias. And if that was not thale case, social exclusion still left him exposed to abuse. Seeing his attitude… it was likely something the like happened.

Despite all that, his pink lips pulled into a small, but genuine smile. “Thank you…” His lips quirked upwards playfully. “Doctor.”

She withheld an amused snort, deeming it unfeminine. “You may dress up, Mister Walker. I’ll create some lotion for you to reduce the discomfort. And please do take care of your bodily and mental health properly.” She returned a somewhat cheeky smile seeing amusement in Allen’s expression. “Doctor’s orders.”


	4. Empathy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thanks to SweetiePiez and Dortaku again, your comments are so awesome I love you!!! Thank you for your continied support!!!

He is so naive, that’s what he’s always been told. He should not be showing remorse to Akuma, he should not be showing hesitation to kill a Noah or anyone working for them. They are evil, he should not doubt the role of erasing them, send them to God and fulfil the duty God entrusted to him.

They didn’t get it. They didn’t know a thing and didn’t even want to. They didn’t see those poor souls writhe in agony within their metal cages begging for release. They did not see Tyki pat Eeze’s head with care. They just cloaked themselves in indifference, uncaring of the truth if it meant they could survive. They never once thought about why the Noah served the Earl, that they were threatened or brainwashed, that they needed salvation just like the rest of them. If Allen was deemed a fool for caring, he’d gladly stay just  that.

Still, being blamed for the death of comrades stung.

“WHY?!” A Finder cried, crumpling their uniform in their grip as they grabbed Allen. Lou Fa and Link beside him were highly alert, the latter only held back from prying them away from Allen because he held his hand up to him. “Why don’t you kill them?! Because of them Tina-"

“I’m sorry,” he said, making them falter momentarily. “I’m simply… not strong enough to defeat a Noah.”

Lou Fa gasped when his head recoiled harshly under the heavy fist slamming into his face. Allen swayed but did not lose footing; he did not look phased, at least physically. Lou Fa was instantly by his side, assessing the damage - thankfully it seemed to be just a bruise. Link now stepped between the two, his posture seething that further provocation would be met with violence.

“PEOPLE DIE AND ALL YOU SAY IS THAT YOU’RE SORRY?! IF YOU REGRET IT SO MUCH THEN TAKE REVENGE IN THOSE WHO DID THIS TO US! DO  _ SOMETHING _ , THAT’S WHY YOU EXIST!”

“That’s enough!” Lou Fa yelled, much to everyone’s surprise as she bravely stood between the hulking giants and Allen. “My patient needs his rest. Leave!”

Seeing them loom over the tiny girl threateningly, Allen stepped forward and Link shoved them away with perhaps more force than necessary. “Any more and I’ll persecute you for disrespecting and attacking your superior. “

Another Finder appeared, placing their hand on their comrade’s shoulder, tugging then away; they might have seemed like they wanted to pacify the situation, but the intense hatred drilling into the young Exorcist proved otherwise.

Snarling, the two left, spitting hateful words and condescending glares.

Allen sighed. “I’m sorry you had to be withness to that.”

“No, no.” Lou Fa shook her head, hair flying. “I’m glad I could be here, if not for a large audience, I think this could have gone down a lot worse.”

“Speaking if that, please never do such a thing again,” Allen requested, his gaze soft with concern. Really, how could anyone blame him of indifference? “If Link didn’t disciple them, I doubt they would have had mercy on you.”

“Oh that’s fine,” the girp replied with a strained smile. “I might be weak but I know human anatomy like the back of my hand, a few well aimed jabs and I know how to bring people down.”

Link and Allen exchanged stunned glances, then the Inspector cleared his throat. “Either way, this is not your responsibility.”

“But-"

“No but!” Lou Fa cut him off, voice uncharacteristically sharp with the wrath those newbie Finders installed. They failed to see how deeply Allen cared for others and none for himself, how he beat himself up over the ordeal. Her eyes burned with angry tears for making Allen so upset, but refused to let them fall. “They were wrong! They have no right to demand you anything, let alone to fulfil some revenge  _ they _ want.” 

“As much as I appreciate your comfort, they weren’t in the wrong. I was the highest ranking one over there. The mission is my responsibility. Those lives… are my responsibility.”

An oppressing silence stretched between the three, crushing them with the weight of this War. Crushing him with all the lives he failed to save.

“Do you… resent me for it?” he asked. He tried his best not to let his burdens show; but with the deaths, Cross, Mana his guilt and shame and the 14th… He was starting to crumble. 

Lou Fa appeared so horrified as if he just hit her. His gut twisted uncomfortably at the sight of her unshed tears. “How could I?”

Registering that this was a very private moment, Link retracted to observe things from the shadows.

Not noticing, Lou Fa continued to monopolize Allen’s full attention, their bodies standing a bit too close for socially acceptable for two unmarried individual. “Mister Walker… You always fight with everything you have. Even when it’s against your morals, even when it hurts you… you always fight so hard to save as many lives as possible. I know that for many this seems simply naive and idealistic… But I believe that this is why  _ you  _ were chosen to carry this Innocence and not anyone else.”

There was a silence which rang with a lot of unsaid words. “... Mister Walker… You are not responsible for their lives. You… cannot be held accounted for each and every death. This is war. Sadly, no matter how hard we try, losses happen because we are at an overwhelming disadvantage. You are not an all-knowing, all-powerful being who can do whatever he wants. You’re… just a b-... a young man caught up in the middle. So please be kinder to yourself.”

For the first time, Link saw Allen completely awestruck. The defiant boy who would not be beaten to submission with power, force or words, simply had no defence against such empathy.

Lou Fa’s hand reached out to encompass the jagged hand in her small hand. “Now let us head to the Infirmary at once; I want to make sure you don’t have loose teeth or a concussion.”

“But I’m-" His mouth clamped shut seeing the kicked puppy expression on her face. Casting his eyes down, he felt his cheeks colour lightly as he squeezed back. “Alright.”

For the first time in a long while, his panging empty, frozen heart he was sure had died with Mana felt warm.


	5. Distance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again enormous shoutout to SweetiePiez and Dortaku for their lovely comments ♡

Allen hissed again as his eye started painfully pulsating, dripping blood all over again. He killed a Level 4 with the others a few days back, his injuries weren’t even fully healed and yet Mana’s curse already demanded more.

_ What were you thinking when you bestowed this upon me, Mana? Did you truly hate me so much? Or you wanted to protect me so much? _

He cracked his eye open feeling a damn clothe brush the blood away to see Lou Fa’s face hover over him, delicate eyebrows knit together in concern. He inwardly winced, cursing himself for making her worry. 

“I apologize for presenting myself in such an unsightly state in front of a lady.” Not to mention at such hour, people would think he was there for something ungentlemanly, rumour that he was indeed pupil of Cross Marian and that he “snatched away Lou Fa’s innocent flower” and use that to cruelly discriminate her. That was the last thing he wished for the woman who keeps supporting him even under these circumstances.

Lou Fa rewetted the handkerchief with the glass of water she always kept on her nightstand. “Mister Walker, please don’t say such silly things, rather tell me why are you at the ladies’ quarters at this hour, without the Inspector?”

Allen laughed in embarrassment despite the flash of hot white pain in his face. “I wanted to go to the bathroom but I got lost,” he admitted with a sheepish smile. It was borderline humiliating really, to get lost, get another migraine and stumble into Lou Fa’s room that he mistook for his own and wake her as he fell headfirst into her lap. He really wanted to bolt away or roll off and plead for forgiveness for putting her reputation in jeopardy, but his body was all but paralyzed as well as disoriented from the unrelenting pain ripping through him.

Lou Fa shook her head with a sigh as he fished out some painkillers from her nightstand, that she occasionally needed if she worked too much.

“Here, some aspirin,” her voice breathed silently, though for Allen it felt as if she was hollering in his ear. 

He tried to shake his head but the very thought made his headache spike. “No thank you, I tried that any many other remedies but it has no effect on this sort of pain. It’s alright. It will pass… evetually.”

Lou Fa was tempted to throw out all social norms and just caress his head… Though perhaps in this state Allen could be hypersensitive to touch and not react well. “Then what could I do for you?”

Allen let a hiss loose in attempt to contain a cry. “Would you please put put the light? And can we stay silent?”

This could either be because he really could not stand brightness or, as a cynical part of her said, he did not want to be in such vulnerable state. Either way, she respected that wish. “Of course.”

She blew out her candle and tugged her curtains so that very minimal moonlight snuck in. It took a few minutes for her eyes to adjust.

Lou Fa remained sitting, watching worried as Allen gasped in pain into the darkness of the night. Mentally sending those pointless ethics to a warmer climate, she gently continued her tending. Her petite hand was there, wiping away the tar-like thick blood flowing from his eye, her hand and fingers ‘accidentally’ brushing his skin.

Unexpectedly, Allen’s uncovered left hand grasped her own and pressed it to his feverish yet cold forehead, wheezing. Ah, so the coolness of her soaked hand seemed to ease his ache, or at least help him concentrate on something else.

They were so close, skin to skin in this secret little rendezvous. For a long while, all she could do was watch his back as he fought - she could never stand by his side when he needed it. And now here she had him, right in her arms - or lap or whatever. And yet, he still...felt so far away. It felt like she could run after him, behind his strong, wide and unfairly burdened back forever and never reach him. Even if he had temporary refuge in this room, even if only for tonight; his body, heart and soul; his entire being was swept away by this all-consuming war.

The Innocence hand that grasped her so tight was the one keeping him away, on the frontline, in danger. It invaded his system without his permission or any care for what would that do to him - physically and mentally. It mended his torn heart yet it forced him to go back to that hell, forced him to feel that he  _ had to.  _ It was awe inspiring and terrifying at the same time. While it protected him in certain ways, it also put him in great peril; it protected him only to harm him in its own way, pay the toll for such power; truly the relationship between Innocence and Apostle was so complex and horrifying.

And if a living weapon parasitizing him was not enough there was also that cursed eye that forced him to watch and see hell. Allen never told anyone exactly what he’s seen but seeing him so much paler than usual quite obviously indicated that it was not pleasant. So many times those beautiful, heartbroken silver eyes gazed at seemingly nothing, at  _ something _ only he could see. In those moments he looked so terribly lonely, utterly abandoned by the God whose name he was enlisted under, by the father he adored with his entire being. 

As much as they bound the boy to the world, they were the ones keeping him away from (her and everyone else’s) loving arms. It was for their and humanity’s sake that Allen was pushing himself, denying himself the most basic human needs, so that the rest could survive.

When would God and the curse be finally satisfied with such sacrifice? When will they release Allen? When can he be finally free?

Apparently, now. At least temporarily. Because as one could have expected, Allen has fallen asleep in her lap under her caresses - passed out from the psychical, psychological and emotional toll of his visions. Which was both adorable and heartwarming, as well as alarming. Poor teen will be in panic in the morning that people will assume the wrong thing and brand her with unsavoury names. Knowing him he will jump right out her window at daybreak and climb back to his own room. He would spend his night here, and once morning came he’d be gone… And in that moments, in the silence of the night... if it meant he could be free if only for that night, Lou Fa wished that morning never came. 


	6. Awe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long time no see, apologies but depression and responsibilities hit. Hope you’ll enjoy this. Thank you to everyone who supported me with nice reviews and kudos. The last one will be updated in a few days after being properly edited.

 

Lou Fa sometimes didn’t know if her crush was affecting her that much or Allen Walker was truly an angel of God. Even though it was highly unlikely, she was inclined to believe the latter. 

All the patience and compassion he had, it was beyond human. She encountered many brave men and women, courageous and aspiring. But never anyone who looked upon his enemies, superhumans and machines with love and understanding.

Despite the tangible loathing she sensed oozing from her colleagues, Lou Fa herself was not engulfed in some blind hatred for Akuma or Noah. 

She felt disdain and bitterness for the loss of her entire family as a child, for the narrowly avoided torture-killing of someone as kind as Allen Walker. But she was educated and self-aware enough not to be consumed by these emotions and lose her clear sight to aversion and rage. She heard of the First Opium War and was born into the aftermath of the Second. She has seen what war can twist people into, how an autocratic power could make normal people do unhesitating they would normally even dare to dream about. 

She wanted justice and retribution to the innocent lives lost, but she had enough of the pointless brutal deaths and the tragedies afterward. She was tired of praying - so she took the only route that could bring meaning in this conflict: she joined the Black Order and supported them with the knowledge she acquired in the schools she had to penny pick for. Maybe she could help in saving the world.

Of course she was aware not many if any would share her views. Most people were here to extract revenge or earn money and bonuses for themselves and their families. Exorcist were dragged in forcefully prior to Supervisor Komui’s takeover and these days… well, even if Supervisor Komui forbade forced recruitment Lou Fa didn’t doubt that Central would invent more underhanded methods to get around that.

Allen Walker was sort of an oddball though, walking up to the front door and offering up himself for the cause; usually they had to grab after Exorcists with both hands and not have them fall right in there.

… And perhaps this almost too convenient emergence was the reason poor Allen suffered so much. Offering himself up willingly was another reason to suspect him of being a traitor, rather than an honest desire to protect. Of course those close-minded, corrupt men would think such way, they don’t know the pain of loss, honour or what sort of person Allen Walker really was. 

Despite all of that, Allen still stood proudly, not allowing anyone - ally or foe - to break him. 

But at times, Lou Fa wished he retreated even for tactical reasons. That way she wouldn’t have to stitch up the poor young man right now, sealing another wound that would join his countless collection of scars.

Allen gave him an apologetic smile. “I’m really sorry about this, but the Head Nurse has her hands full with the others.”

“Please don’t say such things,” Lou Fa requested, not taking her eyes off the slash she was stitching together of Allen’s biceps. “It is thanks to you that those people were able to return home to begin with.”

He laughed, embarrassed at the compliment he deserved. “It is my job.”

“So is mine to support you in any way I can.”

Link nodded along with her argument in silent agreement as he bandaged Allen’s head, suspecting the upcoming effects of a very likely concussion.

With the final stitch strengthened, Lou Fa finally cut the thread,making sure it wouldn’t get stuck in clothe or Allen’s skin. She disinfected the wound again, then bandaged it tight.

“There you go. You did a great job, but next time please try not to get hurt this much.”

“Ah, I did no such thing,” Allen denied casting his glance away. “I can only destroy. Unlike you, I don’t know how to save lives. You’re the amazing one here.”

At first, Lou Fa could feel her heart throb loudly in her chest and colour creep on her cheeks, but it quickly drained when she realised what else he meant.

_ I see, so not all of them made it out alive. _

Lou Fa covered Allen’s hand with her own, prompting him to look her in the eye. “The job you do exponentially helps mine. By taking care of the root of the problem you save countless from having to land here in the first place. Please don’t be so critical towards yourself. It is hard to say exact numbers, but you keep thousands safe and ignorant of the war. What you are doing is definitely not pointless.”

Flush was covering both of their checks and Link politely took this as a cue to dispose of toxic waste and continue watching them afar.

“T-thank you, Lou Fa,” he stuttered like the teenager he was,his trembling fingers caressing the back of Lou Fa’s delicate, likewise quivering hand. “You really are amazing.”

Lou Fa squeezed back, greeting Allen’s fastly pounding heartbeat with her own. “S-so are you.”


	7. Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last… one…finally… I’m sorry it took this long, I’m so tired. The final floof. Thank you for everyone's loving support, your comments really make my day. Hope you enjoy this as well.

It might have been hasty and silly, but what she felt was love for sure. 

Even as everyone she loved died, love never left her heart, it walked hand in hand with grief - but it was welcome. It was a proof that they mattered and their lives and deaths were not meaningless.

Yet this sort of love was different. It wasn’t a comforting skin-warm glow that wrapped around her heart, it was a much more consuming passion. So many times she wished to be loved like this, reading those silly books so she could remember what an embrace felt like, but she didn’t expect to fall so soon and so hard on her very first day. It was so silly. 

But it was also understandable. It was hard not to like someone like Allen Walker - impossible she’s say even, if not for his deformities that scared away many. 

It left dissonance in the minds of those who knew him; that Allen Walker loved them and protected them with his life while they feared him - for that otherworldly look of sickly pale skin of a corpse, blackened clawed arm and a charming smile beside the scar jagging on his face. And then they didn’t see the feathery glory of the Innocence he molded with his heart. 

It was hard not to love him - but it was still silly to fall in love with him, was it not? 

She bolted awake from gazing at Walker longingly when the boy turned his attention to her. “It appears that there is a little administrational issue on the other side, the Gate was supposed to have opened by now,” he said adjusting Lou Fa’s belongings on his forearm. 

Lou Fa’s dream of becoming a member of the European Branch became true. She was allowed to work under Didi as an intern and of course the sweetheart Allen was, he congratulated her and insisted on helping her transfer. Lou Fa had a pile on her own, but of course, Allen was still concerned that her frail arms were getting numb from the admittedly heavy weight.

“It’s not one of those… Komurins is it?” Lou Fa asked cautiously.

Both Allen and Link paled at that.

“L-Link, do you think we should contact Headquarters?”

“... It might be for the better if I contact Central.” Link reached up for the pin on his cravate, signing in with his serial number as a CROW and requested a report.

Allen turned back to Lou Fa with a comforting smile. “It won’t be long now.”

Seeing him smile, the words just flew out of her mouth without “Ah, I don’t mind it at all, this way I get to spend more time with you.”

Lou Fa was really, really relieved that the Inspector stepped aside a bit, but the embarrassment was still an unforgiving fire scorching her cheeks. Before she saw Allen’s reaction she quickly looked down and didn’t dare to look up.

Allen tensed beside her hearing that, then cleared his throat, embarrassment rolling off of him as well. “A-ah, I see. I’m… glad to hear that. Likewise… I enjoy being in your company. At times like this… I can pretend to be just a normal person.”

Lou Fa gulped, her heart thundering in her small chest hearing those wonderful words, in that wonderful voice, by that wonderful person, with such a wonderful meaning. “Well, you also make me feel like an extraordinary woman,” she breathed, peeking up through her lashes, her eyes catching Allen’s equally nervous ones. 

For seconds they just gazed into the souls of one another then-

The words fell off his lips before he could help himself. “May I kiss you?”

Both jolted at those words, lips trembling and cheeks flushing, unable to look up from the nose of their shoes-

“I-I’d like that...very much,” Lou Fa finally admitted.

There was a hopeful glint within those silver eyes and encouraged by her words, Allen slowly leaned down to her. He briefly paused to swallow the nervous lump in his throat before closing the gap. His lips were like soft breeze sliding over her lips, a smooth and gentle caress. That adoring softness turned their brains into mush and made their head spins and heart thunder. They pulled apart to breathe properly again and return to more comfortable positions - Allen standing straight so his side didn’t bend at an awkward angle and Lou Fa didn’t balance on the tip of her toes.

Allen licked away the sticky evidence of Lou Fa’s lipgloss, ignoring the wide eyes Link pinned at him.

“That went better than I expected,” he said.

“Indeed, it was very pleasant. I really liked it.”

“I’m glad. I would like to kiss you again… if you allowed me.”

Lou Fa licked her lips that still tingled with warmth, “Y-yes, that would be nice. We can repeat it as many times as you’d like.”

“Is that so? I’m honoured. Would you like to have lunch together when we arrive?”

A small, trembling hand tightened around the box she held. “Yes, very much.”

“It’s settled then.”

At long last, a flash of white shot up from the ground as a Gate of the Ark unfolded itself. First Lou Fa, then Allen disappeared in the light that connected them to their future.

**Author's Note:**

> Please review if you read


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